Stacy

Changing focus from relationships to finances for these next 10 challenges. Yes…the dreaded F word…. At least that was what I used to think. Money was this thing we didn’t talk about and honestly it’s still hard to talk about. Once you have the mindset that you control your money and not your money controlling you it does get easier. In order to do that you have to intentionally choose where you spend your money. You need to stop mindlessly spending without realizing it. But first let’s focus on the D word…debt.

Easy challenge: Don’t spend any money for one day. Instead of spending the money, write down how much you saved for the day. For example, morning coffee ($5), lunch ($15), soft drink and snack at break ($5), dinner at restaurant ($30). That’s $55 you would have spent when you could have planned ahead and made coffee at home. Packed leftovers for lunch. Then made dinner at home with the food you already have.

Medium Challenge: now that you actually realize how much you would spend. Cut back on this spending and reallocate it to your debt.

Hard Challenge: Pick one debt and an amount you want to pay off by the end of the month. I’m a Dave Ramsey fan so my advice is to pick the lowest debt amount. This way you can see progress and knock them out. Using what you learned in easy/medium challenges, make the plan on how to get that amount and do it.

Last challenge for the relationship part. Yes! You made it to challenge #10.
This week is about being intentional about our own wants & needs. It’s about making sure that you have your together time with others, but you also make time to be alone with someone that you enjoy. It’s your time to fill your cup back up so you are your best self with others.

Challenge Levels:
Easy: Do one thing by yourself that you completely enjoy. It could be sitting outside reading a book, going for a hike, and on and on. It’s something you do for you. It’s your me time.

Medium: Do something out of your comfort zone. Something that you always wanted to do, but feel like others around you would judge you or make fun of you. Or trade turns with your significant other or best friend to pick something you have never done and do it together. You will find you like to do more things than you think. It’s opening infinite possibilities.

Hard: Don’t rely for your significant other or your best friend to complete you. You need to stay connected to what makes you, you. It’s easy to lose who you are sometimes when you keep going with the crowd or what the other person wants. You don’t have to make decisions and sometimes that feels great. Don’t get too comfortable. Be yourself. That’s what attracted them to you in the first place.

This week’s challenge is about trusting what our gut is telling us instead of always listening to those around us. Listening to our gut sounds simple, but can be complicated in real life. Learning to key into your instincts and understand the difference between emotional response and true intuition is challenging.

Easy: Think about someone you trust and how that trust makes you feel. That’s the feeling you want. If someone doesn’t make you feel this way your gut is telling you to back away.

Medium: Give yourself space and time for those difficult decisions between emotion and gut. Take a night to sleep on it.

Hard: Follow through on that decision you have taken the time to think about. This is the hardest because it might not be the most popular decision with the people around you. You need to do what is right for you though.

This week is about staying curious instead of furious. In every relationship we go through a time of irritation, annoyance, hurt feelings. This week is about not assuming you understand what the other person is thinking and feeling. It may come as a shock, but no 2 people think the same way in every situation .

The Easy Challenge:
Check your assumptions in situations you are not fully happy with. Ask them, “What did you mean by that?” Or “Why do you feel that way?” And then actually really listen to the answer. This is how we grow as a person and friend.

The Medium Challenge:
Think of a situation where you don’t want to do something. Now think about really why you don’t want to do it. Maybe it’s a get together every week that you would rather go once a month, but you feel guilty. Invite your curiosity to see what emotions come up and why.

The Hard Challenge:
Actually practice curiosity in conflict. Example from the book is where she was working on an almost finished project & IT said they had to revert back a section to an old school method. She completely shut them down, but her teammate went over & discussed with IT and they came up with a solution that would benefit both. It’s about taking the extra effort to be curious to understand the other point of view and find a happy place together.

This week’s challenge is about putting our ego and excuses away and learning how to really apologize. We all make mistakes and learning to really apologize will leave you and the other person feel better.

Think about the last time you apologized to someone. Did it go something like:
“I’m sorry, but you were….”
“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way…”
“I was just kidding, geez, sorry…”
This probably left you both aggravated and didn’t resolve anything.

Next time, try this framework:
“I’m sorry for….This is wrong because…In the future I will….Will you forgive me?
Basically you are acknowledging what you did wrong and why it was wrong. Plus what you wi do differently going forward and requesting forgiveness.

Now on to our challenges:
Easy: Think about a recent apology you made. Was it a good or bad apology using the example and framework above? What could you have said differently?

Medium: Practice your apologies with body language to match. That means not crossing your arms, not staring at the floor, etc. It means looking them in the eyes so they know you are sincere with hands by your sides relaxed.

Hard: Now it’s time to put it into practice. You can use the last apology you messed up and do a redo with the person. Or the next time you need up, use the framework above.

This week is about being responsible for what we bring to the table with our actions and emotions. Relationships should not be transactional having the mindset if they do this then I’ll do that. You cannot control the other persons actions or emotions BUT you have 100% control over your actions and emotions. You choose how you show up in each interaction you have today. So how are you going to choose to show up?

Easy:
Change your mindset from 50/50 to 100/100. Give 100% effort to the relationship. If you both only try for 50 you will always fall short of 100. If you both try to hit the 100, you will more than likely always be above the 100.

Medium:
Keep your side of the street clean. Meaning worry about what you can control and do versus what other people aren’t doing. You cannot control other people so stop trying to.

Hard:
Be intentional with every interaction you have. If you walk into a room in a bad mood you will bring everyone else’s mood down. If you walk into the room smiling you will probably make someone else smile. We can’t control how others feel, but we do have influence with how we show up.

This week’s challenge is about forgiveness and letting go of the grudges you are holding.

Matthew 18:21-35 was one of the passages this week at church. It’s about how God has forgiven our sins so therefore we must forgive others. Which seems like a God moment since that’s this weeks chapter/challenge.

Who do you need to forgive? Who are you holding a grudge against that is probably hurting you more than them? Maybe it’s not someone, but you! God has forgiven you so stop beating yourself up inside. No one is perfect except Him.

Your challenge levels:
Easy: Really truly forgive someone that hurt you. Don’t just say it. Mean it.

Medium: Release that grudge you are holding in your heart. It will make you feel lighter.

Hard: Forgive yourself for something you are not so proud of or regret doing. Everyone makes mistakes. Learn from the mistake and move forward.

Just because you could do it all doesn’t mean you should. That hit me hard. We want to be known as having it all together. We are strong and independent and we got this. Yes we got it, but at what cost? The cost of being stressed out, lack of sleep, burn out, grouchy, etc….

This week I challenge you to not only ask for help, but also accept the help someone offers you. I know this is a shocker..people can’t read your mind. They see you struggling and they want to help. You know that feeling when someone asks you for help and you get that feeling of joy and connection. Don’t deprive them of that feeling. Give them a specific task that would really help you out.

Here’s your challenge levels:

Easy: Ask for help on one thing this week. Maybe it’s asking your spouse to make dinner or do the dishes. Kids clean up their rooms or mow the grass. A coworker to help you problem solve something you are struggling with.

Medium: Accept an offer of help. When someone asks, how can I help? Give them a task they can help with.

Hard: We all have a list of things to do this week whether it is written down or in your head. At the beginning of the week think about what the people around you could help you with to make your week easier. Then go through the list with your spouse and kids to divide and conquer. Let them pick it. They will feel a sense of ownership and connection to helping in the family.

A little late, but it’s holiday weekend  and the perfect time for this challenge. This week is about actively listening when someone is talking. Actually hearing what they are saying instead of thinking of the next thing you are going to say, assuming you know what they will say, or playing on your phone while they are talking.
We are all guilty of doing this and we also know how it feels on the receiving end of it. So this week is about being intentional and connecting. Per scientific studies we only have about a 8 second attention span so being intentional and actually focusing is critical.

Which challenge are you taking on:
Easy: Stop thinking about what you will say next. Focus on what the person is saying.

Medium: Single task instead of multi task. Instead of being in a meeting taking notes, checking email, and thinking about dinner try to be in a meeting focused on what they are saying and jotting notes only to keep your focus. Writing notes triggers your brain to remember and it keeps you focused.

Hard: Use 2:1 ratio. You ever been in a conversation and the person just keeps talking and doesn’t let you get a word in? Don’t be that person…lol. Listen twice as much as you talk. If the person doesn’t know what to say ask questions and truly listen to their answers.

This challenge is about not treating your relationships like a sports game by keeping points of who does what. Whoever said relationships were 50-50 was WRONG. Relationships are 100-100. We will always fall short so we could never be 100 together with the 50-50 mindset. If you each even give 75 each, together you are still above that 100 mark working together and picking up where the other is dropping.

For those married couples, if you constantly need to win an argument. Think about if you win, they lose. Did you marry a loser?

Here are your challenges:

Easy: Clear the scorecard. It doesn’t matter if they don’t do some task because more than likely they do a task that we don’t. Each of us has our own skills and abilities. For example, I’m usually the one that does the laundry and Joe is the one that fixes the electronics in our house. He isn’t good at folding and I am not technical at all. Then there are things that we split like if he makes dinner then I’ll do the dishes or vice versa.

Medium: Stop using “never” and “always.” These words are so definitive and just begging to have an argument with that person. Your challenge is to be aware of your words. When you hear yourself say it, stop and rephrase it. Turn “you never clean the toilets!” to “ from my point of view, I am usually the one that has to clean the toilets. Would you mind doing it this week?” Which one to do think your partner will respond to better?

Hard: Stop trying to win. There is no “I” in “we.” You don’t get trophies in relationships. Focus more on giving than getting. You would be amazed at the difference in your relationship.